Yesterday was my birthday. So many feelings involved on my 20th birthday this time. Grateful, happy, amazed, sad, small, unwanted.... yep. But i think the negative ones controlled my mind greater than the positive ones.
Not being dramatic, but i think i just realized that i am one of those bullied people. But the thing is, i never think that those “bulliers” are wrong. I put all the blame on me. I take all their words rawly, without thinking it may be true or not. Feels like i wanna cry so hard but i cant. Seperti tertahan rasanya, ada yang mengganjal.
I was born a twin. I love her and she loves me but i grew up thinking that she’s better than me in so many things. Intelligence, communication, character, beauty, body, and so on. I have received so many name callings from my friends who compares me with my twin. In the past, i used to think it was a joke, honestly, i dont really care about it cause i had my confident? Lol im not sure. But i took it easy, in the past. But then at some point i realized that all what they said is true. The number of people who bullied me and the name-callings itself increased. And thats what makes it harder for me to take.
Well I had so many pimples and acne on my face. I realized its a little bit too much, but its even worse to the fact that my twin had fewer pimples on her face. And guess what? I got compared. They say ”you’re ugly” “your sister’s more beautiful than you” “no wonder you have no boyfriend” “why is your sister’s more beautiful than you?” “kenapa lo jerawatan sih ni, ga kaya adek lo” “you both look different” “lo mah apa, jerawatan” and so on. And you know how i feel? Hurts.
About 5 months agoi was 51kg and my twin was 47kg. I am not fat, nor ‘big’. Im just a normal girl with a normal body. But then my sister came, guess what my friends did? Compared us. And guess what they said? “you’re fat” “you’re ugly” “your thigh is so big” “your cheek is chubby” “you look big and chubby” “kenapa adek lo bisa kurus?” “cantikan adeknya ah drpd kakaknya” “mendingan gue temenan sama adeknya” “kenapa ga adek lo aja sih yg jadi temen gue” “Alifah gendut”. And i wasn’t even THAT big. Oh God.
Then these past few months i gained 5 or 6 more kilos, it gets worse. EVERYONE is criticizing me. EVERYONE give their comments to me. My not-so-friends, my friends, family, mom, even my twin. Is this what it called bullying? Ya “alifah astaga pahanya gede banget” “yaampun kalian berdua beda banget” “udah kaya gentong aja” “tuh liat uni ada temboloknya” “ga turun turun ini berat badan” “berat lo udah 60 kali ya” “kaya badak” ya i know i look bigger than i used to be. But isn’t it normal? What’s wrong about that? I still feel happy when i eat dinner. I feel happy when i eat chocolate in the middle of the night. I feel happy when i stayed up late. Whats so wrong with me getting bigger? Just because i look significantly different with my twin i have to receive these kind of words? The words that absolutely can drop my confident to the lowest level. Non verbal message can’t lie. Don’t you see it? it hurts me. So much.
It makes me feel so unwanted, not special, not worthy of anything, nobody wanna befriend with me, nobody wanna have a relationship with me. What should i do? Prove them that i can shine? With my low confident? Its hard this time, i have to admit. Maybe later.